To Bear Witness – Part V

On my good days, I was saintly. But my bad days would throw me off entirely and it would be some time before I would pray again, returning to God as a repentant child. Those struggles, though, were all entirely mine. I shared them with no one. On the outside, I looked decently good. When a nine year old girl from the youth center would ask me for spiritual advice, I would tell her something that, though it was helpful and sounded wise, was not at all personal with me. My mental religion had yet to become a heartfelt relationship with my God. I struggled with this for months, barely surviving on the minute diet of Bible verses I already knew. I made demands of God and then felt abandoned if I did not receive the desire of my heart.

In October of 2007, I went to Deeper Walk. I typically avoided crusade type things like Deeper Walk but since this was for young adults and there would probably be an amazing worship time, I decided to go and see what happened.

The very first night, the speaker brought up the verse that basically says that if you seek God with all your heart, he will give you your hearts desire. As this verse was basically my anthem, I was instantly drawn to the message. The speaker went on the say that so many kids highlight the last part of that verse and ignore the first part. That they will do like the girl who walks into Tiffany’s and finds this absolutely gorgeous diamond necklace that is usually priced at $998.99 marked down to $19.99. It’s the last one there so the girl picks it up and parades to the front of the store, flaunting her find to anyone who looks in her direction. When she reaches the register, the salesclerk rings up $19.99 and the girl slides her a ten and then becomes infuriated when the salesclerk will not give her the necklace.

That night I realized that I was expecting God to give me the desire of my heart for free. All God was asking was that I entirely dedicate my life and passions to him and that he was longing to make my dreams come true if only I would seek him. And I was not seeking him.

That weekend was the beginning of my journey toward an intimate relationship with Christ. I started listening to music I would not have been caught dead with and reading books that I had previously avoided like the plague.

I was intrigued. The character of Christ was suddenly so beautiful to me and I longed to be like Jesus. So much changed in the way that I related to people around me. I fell in love with volunteering. I longed to pour what I had discovered in Christ out onto other people. I had never known that following Christ could be that intensely wonderful.

There is a song on Leeland’s Sound of Melodies album that describes perfectly how I felt at that point. The song is called “Reaching.” I love the way that the lyrics paint a picture of the Christ-seeker.

REACHING

Here in this place
With humbleness and brokenness
We seek all You are
We seek You
And it’s for You
It’s all for You
We’re leaping over walls to get to You
Would You pull us along
Pull us home

We are
We are reaching
We are reaching out
(And we’re calling for You, Lord)
We’re caught up in this hunger
Searching for Your heart
(And we’re calling for You, Lord)

Here on this earth
We lift our eyes to the stars
We seek all You are
We seek You
And it’s for You
It’s all for you
We’re breaking off our chains to run to You
Would you fill our hearts
Oh, fill our songs

Leaving the lights on, the lights on
We wait for you
This won’t be the last song, the last song
We sing to you

We are
We are reaching
We are reaching out
(And we’re calling for You, Lord)

Granted, I’m imperfect. Although I know that God is working in my life, in me, there are still unresolved issues. There are still parts of my life that I hesitate to place at the foot of the cross. But I find that as I lay my burdens down and passionately pursue Christ, there is an unmistakable freedom that is more beautiful than anything I’ve ever known.