Un titled…done…

you know there was a point a couple of months back where i thought that i would never again succomb to the madness or the sickness or the darkness. when i stood on top of that mountain that i climbed fully relying on god and on his strength alone, i honestly thought that i would be finished with the struggle to find peace and contentment in christ. i thought that finally there was one hurdle that i had overcome and now i could move on with my life. on to a better and brighter future. a new me.
and now i think that it is when we feel the safest that we are in the most danger. we relax our tenacious hold on the beautiful new relationship with our creator and the next thing that happens is we wake up and try to find a reason to get out of bed. we are hauntd by our mistakes. we begin to believe that that’s who we are and that we are not fooling anyone, not even ourselves.
but most sadly, and most importantly, we don’t feel good enough for god. all his promises? for people who haven’t screwed up. and i know i know they tell you in sunday school and in chapel after chapel that god’s a god of grace and that the people he used to exalt himself were screw ups.
but it’s one thing to know that in your head and quite another to believe it in your heart.
and you know you need to get back but the gulf is ever widening and somehow it just seems easier to put it off for another day. and another until the happiness you knew in that glowing sunset you KNEW was a gift from god meant especially for you… until that happiness is a fading glow on the distant horizon and you feel too incredibly weak to run to catch it again.
and you don’t know yet how it will end. you don’t want to pray that sinner’s prayer. if you go back to god you want it to be all out devotion and dedication. but you just ride the fence and in the meantime icy roads terrify you and you drive the speed limit.