Un titled…done…

you know there was a point a couple of months back where i thought that i would never again succomb to the madness or the sickness or the darkness. when i stood on top of that mountain that i climbed fully relying on god and on his strength alone, i honestly thought that i would be finished with the struggle to find peace and contentment in christ. i thought that finally there was one hurdle that i had overcome and now i could move on with my life. on to a better and brighter future. a new me.
and now i think that it is when we feel the safest that we are in the most danger. we relax our tenacious hold on the beautiful new relationship with our creator and the next thing that happens is we wake up and try to find a reason to get out of bed. we are hauntd by our mistakes. we begin to believe that that’s who we are and that we are not fooling anyone, not even ourselves.
but most sadly, and most importantly, we don’t feel good enough for god. all his promises? for people who haven’t screwed up. and i know i know they tell you in sunday school and in chapel after chapel that god’s a god of grace and that the people he used to exalt himself were screw ups.
but it’s one thing to know that in your head and quite another to believe it in your heart.
and you know you need to get back but the gulf is ever widening and somehow it just seems easier to put it off for another day. and another until the happiness you knew in that glowing sunset you KNEW was a gift from god meant especially for you… until that happiness is a fading glow on the distant horizon and you feel too incredibly weak to run to catch it again.
and you don’t know yet how it will end. you don’t want to pray that sinner’s prayer. if you go back to god you want it to be all out devotion and dedication. but you just ride the fence and in the meantime icy roads terrify you and you drive the speed limit.

The Ways of God

God says that his ways are higher than my ways. I know this. But until recently, that was all. I knew it but I had never before experienced it. I did not believe it. I have been learning alot of things. But one of the lessons that seems to be coming back over and over is the fact that it is futile and a bit stupid to plan my life. Because every time, God comes in with a new plan that turns everything I had planned upside down.

Until a couple of days ago, I had been stubbornly planning to go to college. It has been my dream since second grade (or whenever I found out what college is) and I cared little what I went for as long as I went. I thought God was blessing my dream when I got accepted to PCAD. Imagine my surprise when I found out that my student loan had not been approved and that that door had apparently closed.

To tell you the truth, I was not really surprised at all.

A couple of nights after my return from Italy, I had been reading an amazing book my brother Shane gave to me. It’s called The Irresistable Revolution by Shane Claiborne and it has more than shaken up my life. I had been reading it for a couple of hours and I was in that limbo between wakefulness and sleep, dreaming about all the mission trips and God-services I hoped to do when I was finished with college. Then I thought sadly about the years I wold spend paying back my student loans.

Suddenly, it was like someone spoke to me. The thought Do you really, really need to go to college?  flashed through my mind. Instantly, I was wide awake. My heart was racing. I knew it had been God. Right then and there, I begged God no to take my college dream away from me. But even as I prayed that prayer, I knew that it was useless. So I prayed that God would clarify his will be not allowing my student loan to go through. Sure enough.

Oddly, I am almost unnervingly at peace now. I had been horribly nervous about being a student at PCAD and I was stressed out. But after I got the phone call from my loan agency, cried, and screamed at God (don’t worry, I apologized), I realized that God’s dream for me did not include a college education and years of debt. And I felt immediately surrounded by his presence and peaceful than I had felt in weeks. And now that that door has closed (during my tirade at God, I called it slamming that door in my face), so many other doors now have potential to open.

Slowly as I learn more about God and his dreams that he has for every one of us, the more trusting I feel. It sounds a bit lazy, but there is nothing like standing back and waiting for God to open a door than to spend all my energy jumping against and trying to break down doors on my own.

With that said, I am going to share a random little fairy tale that just came to me.

Once upon a time, a little girl was walking in the garden with her daddy. They came to a wall that had dozens of doors opening into smaller gardens. The little girl looked with delight at her daddy and raced ahead of him. When she reached the first door, she found with some irritation that she could not reach the handle. So she leaned against the door with her shoulder and pushed with all her might, trying to enter the garden on her own. When her daddy caught up to her, she begged him to please open the door for her. He looked at her with love in his eyes and reached for the handle. He held his daughter back as he looked into the garden. He saw dead trees and pits full of snakes. His daughter tried to push past him to enter the garden so he slammed the door shut. She looked at him in anger and asked why he had closed the door. “Because I know that there is a garden more beautiful, my daughter.” She looked at him with a pout and ran to the next door. Again, she tried with all her might to open the door on her own. Again she begged him to open the door for her. Again, he looked at her with love in his eyes and reached for the latch. He held her back as he peeked inside and saw flames shooting up from the ground and gnarly, forbidding looking trees. As his daughter tried to push past him, he again slammed the door shut. This time, his daughter kicked at his ankles and beat hims with her little fists. She screamed why and he told her “Because I know there is a garden more beautiful, my daugter.” This happened over and over again. Always, after he slammed a door to protect her from unhappiness and pain, she fought him. Once, she even ran away and he had to go find her and bring her back to the wall of doors. Finally, she was exhausted from trying to open doors and from fighting him whenever he slammed a door shut in her face. She lifted her arms to him in surrender and said “Daddy, will you please take me to the garden that you know is more beautiful?” He looked at her with love in his eyes and lifted her into his arms. She rested her head against his shoulder as he carried her slowly past door after door. When he set her down in front of a door, she looked at him with complete trust in her eyes and waited patiently for him to open the door. He pushed it open and held her hand as the walked inside. The garden was beautiful. It was full of flowers and fruit trees and green grass. Adorable little bunnies hopped around her and turtle basked in the sun on rocks beside the little pond full of lily pads and goldfish. She looked around her in awe then ran to her daddy. He picked her up and swung her around and around. “Thank you daddy!” she cried. “This garden really is the most beautiful!”

THE END

The Discovery of the Heart

At first, Peter was a Galilean fisherman. He probably smelled terrible, had matted hair and language that was anything but chivalrous. But when Jesus gathered a collection of men upon whom to build his church, he chose Peter. He saw something in this rough around the edges man that one would likely miss on first glance. He saw passion.

Peter was one of the most extremely blessed people in all of history. He walked, talked, ate, lived with the God of the universe during his ministry on earth. Every day, Peter was exposed to radical conversation and intense opportunities for discipleship. He witnessed miracles and later in his life, through the power of Christ in him, worked his own miracles. He learned firsthand what a true life of faith looks like.

Peter was also one of the most impossible disciples. He was always speaking without thinking and coming up with these brilliant but kind of stupid ideas. When Christ saw his passion, he knew that this was the kind of man he needed to continue his legacy in a time when the gospel would be hated and feared and illegal. In Peter, he saw fearlessness and the potential to love so fiercely that he would lay down his life for the object of his devotion. Jesus saw that the desire of Peter’s heart would become first priority in his life. He chose Peter to become one of the men to keep the truth alive in his absence because of his passion.

Likely the son and grandson of a fisherman, Peter probably thought his entire life would be devoted to the fishing industry. When he imagined his death, he probably envisioned old age on a hard bed. Or perhaps beaten to death by monstrous waves on the sea of Galilee. Maybe even death at the edge of a Roman sword, Peter the revolutionary. Never the possibility that he would be suspended upside down on one of the most popular instruments of Roman torture, the cross, and all because he preached peace.

But Jesus’ invitation to follow him changed everything. With the touch of Christ, Peter’s heart changed.

Fast forward past the crucifixion, Peter’s denial, and the resurrection to the few precious days the disciples shared with Christ before he ascended into heaven. By this time, they had come to accept that Jesus had not come to overthrow the Roman government, but the principality and power of darkness. Jesus shared with them last bits of wisdom and built their confidence as leaders before he left them to carry on without his physical presence. He encouraged them, but as they stood on that hill, straining for one last glimpse of the man who had permanently changed their worldviews, their stomachs were probably in knots, the task ahead of them more than daunting.

As Jesus disappeared into the clouds, Peter discovered his passion for Christ and his desire to tell everyone he met about him. Peter’s God-given heartbeat very quickly led him into situation after situation where he was disliked and his message loathed. He was persecuted and imprisoned because of the longing of his heart to see the kingdom of Christ expanded on the earth. He had discovered his heart and, like Jesus knew when he asked Peter to follow him, he was not going to allow anything to stop the pursuit of his heart’s desire.

The Pursuit of Dreams

One of the most common questions that adults ask young children is the What do you want to be when you grow up? question. Answers range from nurse and police officer to superhero and President. My high school English teacher wanted to be a firetruck. Later in life, the question changes slightly to the What are your plans for the future? question. College, career, travels, a family. Human beings dream. They love to talk about their deepest longings and hopes.

Dreams are what make us. Astronauts do not orbit the earth because they one day wake up and decide to shoot off into space. They pursue the dream of space-travel passionately. They study for years, they train intensely all the while envisioning that moment when they will peer out of a small window in the spacecraft and behold the planet Earth for themselves. They pour all their spirit into their dream job.

In the same way, most job discontentment is a result of settling for less than the dream (though the fact that one is pushing paper instead of playing pro basketball is hardly an excuse for poor performance). Movies get made all the time about people who finally break free and pursue their dreams passionately. Those movies inspire and make one entertain the possibility of doing the same.

Can you imagine then, what dreams could become if placed without reserve into the hands of the Creator of imagination? When touched by God, dreams become pure and unadulturated. They become glowing beacons of hope. They become the passion of a person living in the power of God. God-breathed dreams change ordinary people into saints.

Moses grew up watching his people suffer under the cruel slavery inflicted by his adoptive grandfather the Pharoah. God planted a dream in Moses to see his people set free. He fought the role God had planned for him to make the dream reality, but when he finally allowed the power of God to become the working part of his dream, the extraordinary occurred. God showed his glory again and again and Moses became the man to lead his people out of bondage and toward the freedom of the promised land.

Admittedly, God’s way of making dreams come true takes us out of our box. We may be anything but comfortable but he promises never to leave or forsake his children. Doubtless, Moses did not envision wandering around the wilderness and dealing with the complaints of the Israelites when the first inkling of desire to see the Hebrews set free flitted across his mind. Doubtless, Mother Theresa did not envision living among the stench and disease of the lowest caste in India when she decided to pursue her dream of serving others in the name of Jesus. Despite the hardships they faced when they gave their dreams up to the power of Christ, these two ordinary people walked very closely with God, their hand in his. They will be remembered for all time as true heroes of faith, common people who became intimate friends of God.

The inspiration for this post came from a conversation I had at breakfast yesterday with two dear friends of mine. One of them has been been fostering a dream for several years and has been actively pursuing and preparing for the dream to become a reality. At this point, however, she is unsure whether or not that will happen. But she did say that so many good things have come from her pursuit of this dream, that she will always be blessed by it. In her words, God sometimes uses a dream to “get the ball rolling,” to lead us on a path that will draw us into his dream for us. Although her dream may not come to pass exactly as she had scripted, she is aware of the absolute necessity to go with God’s script as she makes these difficult decisions.

Dreams that begin with longing for God take us deeper into his heart, and there we discover ours.

By Faith

When I was a junior in high school, my history teacher (the one that taught way more than history) suggested that one is not “saved” by praying the prayer, but by faith. until I heard this theory, I was really torn (and a bit worried by) between the two parties that suggest that one may or may not lose their salvation. I was pondering this question today and I came up with the following progression.

Jesus calls us to a life of faith. By faith we believe in a larger than life God who holds the universe in His hands. We believe this by faith because there is absolutely no scientific evidence for His existence. The only evidence we have is the work of the Spirit in the lives of believers. 

This life of faith does not allow us to stop at merely believing in His existence. It asks us to rise to a higher standard, to live by rules of conduct that point others to Christ. There are many that look at these rules of conduct as simply that, rules, because they have been used as bondage by the institution on the church. But they are so much more than that. They are guidelines for behavior that protect us from emotional and spiritual, and in many cases, physical harm. They are there for our good because God adores us and longs for our happiness.

So as to losing salvation, I believe it is only possible when one decides that they no longer want God to hold them in the palm of His hand. It happens when they intentionally turn away and choose to live against faith, to succomb to the world, and to join the frenzy of nonbelievers who are driving themselves insane trying to discount the existence of a Creator who longs for their faith, obedience and above all, worship.

There are very few Jesus People who will tell you that living a life of faith is easy. For some, this means leaving a life of ease to care for the people who have never heard the name of Christ. For others, complete trust in Christ means going against even a family’s expectations and laying down all burdens at the foot of the cross. Because even for those who have been raised in godly homes, most have been taught that God will only do so much and that “God helps those who helps themselves.” With this philosiphy, it is easy to get caught up in doing everything without the help of God then mistaking prosperity for blessing.

True blessing is placing everything into the hands of the Friend of Moses, the God of Abraham, the Creator of the Universe and then watching Him work. By this, faith increases.

   

Whoever

My little brother Shane was asked to have devotions at church this morning. I actually didn’t go to hear him (unsupportive, I know), but I found his notes on the computer and I thought they were rather good. I didn’t think he would mind if I would put them here.

John 3:16 “For God so loved the world that he gave his only son, that whoever believes in him should not perish but have eternal life.”

What is God’s “whoever” policy?whoever makes it clear: God offers his grace all over the world.for anyone who tries to leave others out, Jesus has a word: whoever

Matt. 10:32 “So everyone who acknowledges me before men, I also will acknowledge before my Father who is in heaven.” 

Matt. 10:39 “Whoever finds his life willlose it, and whoever loses his life for my sake will find it. ” Mark 16:16 “Whoever believes and is baptized will be saved, but whoever does not believe will be condemned.”

John 3:36 “Whoever believes in the son has eternal life; whoever does not obey the son shall not see life, but the wrath of God remains on him.” 

John 4:14 “but whoever drinks of the water that I will give him will become in him a spring of water welling up to eternal life.” 

John 6:37 “All that the Father gives me will come to me, and whoever comes to me I will never cast out.”

John 11:26 “And everyone who lives and believes in me shall never die. Do you believe this?”

Rev. 22:17 “The Spirit and the bride say,’Come,’ and let the one who hears say, ‘Come.’ And let the one who is thirsty come; let the one who desires take the water of life without price. 

Paul states that Jesus Christ “ sacrificed himself to win freedom for all mankind” ( 1 Timothy 2:6 “Who gave himself as a ransom for all, which is the testimony given at the proper time.” God’s gospel has a whoever policy. All means all.Luke 16:19-23 story of Lazarus, once poor Lazarus poor and needy, now needs nothing. the now poor rich man needs everything. he loses the lap of luxury, and Lazarus discovers the lap of Abraham.God takes you however he finds you, You don’t need to clean up or become more important. Just like God takes whoever, he also takes them however. and whenever you hear God’s voice, he welcomes your response. Matthew 20:1-16 those who live for Jesus their whole life and those who accept him with their last breath enter heaven by the same gate. – those who live for Jesus their whole life and those who accept him with their last breath enter heaven by the same gate.whoever also means wherever – your not to far to come home. Luke 22:16-22 prodigal means – wasteful, reckless, and uncontrolled – he walked from his fathers kindness. he comes back – v20 the father was saving the sons place. God is also saving a place for each one of us. we lose much in life – our temper, our cash, our parent’s approval. We lose opportunities, and chances, and we lose at love. We lose youth and misplace dreams. We lose much, but we never lose our place on God’s whoever list. Whoever, God’s wonderful word of welcome.

Whoever includes you forever.

The Purpose Thereof

I was once a writer. I loved to create worlds and follow the elusive idea down a dusky pathway of words. I loved throwing random vocabulary into my scribbles that made me feel rather accomplished. Not to mention that I’ve always done my best thinking when my thoughts are written down and properly organized.

And then I stopped. I blame Facebook. But now I am going to write again. I hope I haven’t lost my touch.

The purpose of this blog is to share with readers my story. It is the documentation of my personal walk of faith. I want my life to be such that, at the end of my life, I will be able to write a book about all the miraculous answers to prayer and God-sightings that have characterized it. This blog is to chronicle that story.